So you have a wad of money in your pocket and it’s a big burden on you. You can’t sleep at night. We know. It’s tough being uber-rich and nursing wealth-based insomnia all your life. As always, we’re here to help.
It’s time to untie, fire up that motor (see #1 below for the best method), and deplete your bank account with some good ole-fashioned reckless boating screw-ups.
Before you know it you’ll be throwing extraneous cash overboard to the insurance company or the marina’s repairman like so much paper jetsam. If you do it right, you might even earn a trip to the hospital so they can treat your wealth-induced insomnia with some strong meds and stress-relieving insurance deductibles.
Ready? Unbuckle your seatbelts. Let’s wreck it.
(ANTI) Boating Tips: 5 Awesome Ways To Wreck Your Boat
- Start The Motor Without Trimming It Down. The kids are all fighting. You got out of the house late. Go-time was an hour ago. The rain is now supposed to start before lunch. Captain disregards that pesky safety checklist. You know what you’re doing. Fire up the engine. Before you have time to say “Jacques Cousteau”, you’ve destroyed your outboard motor. You forgot to put the prop down in the water so it pushes cooling through the motor and you burned that bad boy up in no time. At-away, Cap. Burn that cash.
- Throttle While Docking (Idling Is For Wusses). You’ve got some new passengers aboard and it is time to impress. Sit back, new friends, and enjoy the ride. The manual said put it in gear decisively. You take that to mean “as-far-as-it-will-go” decisively. You by-pass idle and spin out quick. Only problem is the two fine fellows in the aluminum fishing boat just happen to pop out from behind the house-boat and reverse won’t undo things quite fast enough. It’s time to pay for some professional GelCoat application.
- Go Fast All The Time. My brother and I once visited an aunt who lived on a long, straight country road and we took our bikes. We were hot-wheeling it. My aunt was interrupted from her romance novel one June afternoon by her scraped-up nephews asking for nursing. “We ran head-on into each other,” we explained The look of marvel on her face was worthy of an award. She looked out the front door and the only thing visible for a literal country mile was our two bikes crumpled up in the middle of the road. It was an accident of dizzying improbabilities. “I thought he was going to turn,” we both said, sniffling. “Do either of you have brakes?” aunt replied. Good point. We saw the wisdom in it now. Happens on the lake more than you might think. You figured the other guy was going to turn or slow down. Sideswiping is a barrel of laughs and puts a hole in your pocket and your pride. Keep it up, Cap.
- Stay On The Sunny Shallow Side. On-the-water training such as you get with a boat club membership will clue you into some tidbits that would keep you sitting on that wad of cash. But, determined to impoverish yourself, you skip the training. Therefore you don’t know that the underwater terrain usually follows the above-water terrain. The trained boaters stay toward the side of the lake with the higher embankments because the water is deeper on that side. They must not have any money. You’re skimming along on the side with the flat bank and you put a propeller-sized gash in the sand-bar. Good propellers are not cheap. It’s all about cash flow. And cash is flowing.
- Disregard Capacity Labels. You like to throw a good party. And good parties are big parties. Your initial guest list grew a tad and your 11-person capacity vessel is now carrying 16 persons, none of whom are children. You’re keeping everybody cool at top velocity and more than half of your party is up toward the front, catching that awesome breeze. Captain Cool, that’s your name. Your over-laden boat crosses a wake, the front lip catches under the surface and the whole thing flips over. Everybody is wet, but OK. Your boat has an interesting new angle to it. If you’re lucky, someone puts it on YouTube so your insurance company can count heads and reject your claim based on your overloading the boat. That was fun, wasn’t it? Flippin awesome.
How about some other great ways to wreck your boat and spend some money? Let us know in the comments.
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